PTSD

Veteran

The word itself commands respect

For those who stood up to protect

I find myself unworthy

as I swallow down regret

I sit with nightmares of my past

my demons helping to reflect

The price was youthful innocence

To learn the limits of self hate

I was left with guilt and craziness

tightly shackled to my fate

They pinned no medal to my chest

as I hid behind my fears

I could have stopped the moral sins

It might have saved some tears

I watched as lives were turned to ghosts

I'm haunted by their eyes

I turned to drugs and alcohol

to drown out all their cries

My soul was taken to its depths

My moral canvas stained

Survival was the stance I took

to justify the pain

The physical would heal in time

The spiritual would not

I'm left with only nightmares

and a conscious tied in knots

I find myself unworthy

As I swallow down regret

I sit with nightmares of my past

my demons helping to reflect

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Session

No longer tethered by reality

I have mastered your modalities

So quietly I sit and breathe

while I wait for you to start

The journey we're about to take

is not for weak at heart

Ready here we go so take a strong extended breathe

You came here as a Cook you'll be leaving here a chef

I allow your curiosity to swirl around the room

my thoughts revealed to you in half

I feed you with a spoon

I carefully mislead you as

I walk you down the trail

I take you through my playgrounds

before we enter hell

We dance with memories from my past

I slowly let you in

I slam the door with anger

You shouldn't see my sins

I drag you back towards the light

our time has run its course

I bring you back to safety

cleansing all signs of remorse

I listen quite intently

never putting up a fight

You try and diagnose my days

before you've seen my nights

You speak of ideations

as you try to steer my path

Your fear of losing me enticing

as I read your notes and laugh

If you knew the depths my thoughts have swam

Your pen would take a different turn

You'd put me well away from sight

and pray my demons burn

- Cowboy Beach Bum

These Snake Skin Boots and I

We have walked the streets of Juarez We have tamed the Bangkok nights

We have flown away to distant shores to conquer wrong with right

We have faced the wrath of many never backing down

We have fought the likes of Jack and Jim

Not sure who wears the Crown

We have spent some nights in county but have never faced the pen

We have kicked the fiery gates of Hell and casually walked in

We have kissed the hand of many Belles and have married quite a few

We have questioned words of scripture

While knelling at the pew

We have turned Ki's all across this land never opening a lock

We have kept time in the Quarter never looking at a clock

We've built castles in the sands of time just to watch them sink away

We have tucked the lights of Vegas in and faced another day

We are not the kind of duo as in Marvel or DC

But one of us has worn a mask to keep his face unseen

At a strip club in Atlanta they once took both our guns

And the big girls that were dancing there were not a ton of fun

The Federales hemmed us up when they seized our stack of books

So we grabbed our cash for running and never turned back for a look

We reflect upon our sinful youth and simply take a sigh

We have many roads left to explore

These snake skin boots and I

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Me Myself And I

I dreamt of him and he of I

His summons prompted my reply

He asked for all my thoughts

I wondered why he looked to me for answers that he sought

Who would come to me in dream for words to light his way

It seemed to me suspicious but my curiosity let him stay

His questions were on love and life his knowledge seemed malnourished

My answers seemed to fill his needs

His eyes began to flourish

I asked him of his dreams and fears

He said his life was filled with tears

He wanted to give up

I shared with him my early years

We drank from the same cup

We found a common stance to hold

This man of youth and I of old

Our thoughts we laid out all uncloaked

I wished him well

Then I awoke...…..

I dreamt of him and he of I

My summons prompted his reply

I asked for all his thoughts

He wondered why I looked to him for answers that I sought

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Street Shaman

Some call him a "Street Shaman" Some say he's just a man

The only thing I'm sure of is I'm proud to call him friend

His genuine approach to life is that which draws me in

I understand the path he's walked both in righteousness and sin

I hang on every word he says because he speaks his truth

His eyes and lines upon his face leave me needing no more proof

He speaks of God and love of life as he calmly bares his soul

He speaks of comfort strange enough from times of no control

The paths he's walked I know them well for I have stumbled down a few

Others I have read about or have heard from Papaw's pew

His drugs of choice are chaos and struggles from within

I see the depths of sorrow beneath his childish grin

So no matter what you call him a shaman or a man

It doesn't really matter 'cause I'm proud to call him friend

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Soul Mate

As I awaken from a dream

an angel sits in morning light

My cloudy thoughts are filled

with drink and memories of the feral night

The sunlight dances with her soul

I watch her oh so still

I savor every moment

she sits there so surreal

Her essence filled my heart with amorous thoughts of bliss

The warmth of her embrace

and the softness of her kiss

Reminding me of boyhood dreams

where true love did exist

I recklessly abandoned the wisdom of my years

wading out beyond the safety and the comfort of my fears

The words "I Love You" perched ripe upon my tongue

I swallowed them in horror before the song was sung

She turned to me and smiled

with calmness in her eyes

her warm breathe tenderly exhaled

and unleashed a peaceful sigh

Without words we had spoken

as we filled our cups with fate

Somewhere in that feral night

I had found my soulful mate

-Cowboy Beach Bum

A Wise Man Once Said ….

I came to him with questions on life on love and dreams

I asked him to define true love

He smiled and on my wrist he tied a string

I asked him where all things come from

He smiled and on my wrist he tied a string

I asked him to explain peace and patience

And once again

He smiled and on my wrist he tied a string

I pushed him on religion

And on my wrist he tied a different colored string

I left this man of wisdom with thoughts of many things

My wrists were full of answers and different colored strings

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Self

Some will come to me inquisitively

I will answer unequivocally

And too myself I'll answer twice

You will only know me surfacely

Underneath all the uncertainty

I hold tightly to my vice

My truth lives on indefinitely

As I smile beyond your glare

I have strengthened my security

As I have grown more self aware

No longer heeding herd mentality

I have changed my paths trajectory

To an elevated plane

If you want to know my sanity

You will have to think congruently

And meet me on the same

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Note to Self

Your control over how others see you is an unattainable goal

Live your truth and self awareness spilling confidence from your bowl

Lay your rawness on a platter and offer it in whole

Let your actions be a window to your unprotected soul

Let your words be the bridges between your stark realities

Let your thoughts soar above your lofty hopes and dreams

Let your voice extinguish all the thundering screams

Let the spaces in your mind freed from all these simple words

Fill with mindful introspection of the voices left unheard

- Cowboy Beach Bum

Wanderlust

A traveler

A scribe

Realities I travel

On the threads of life through loom

Creating fabric of my time

With strands of brightness and of gloom

I enter present with great zeal through a woman and her womb

I'll continue with my travels through the exit of a tomb

My ticket stamped adventure

My reward the great unknown

I will nurture my existence

mending all that it has torn

I've learned to travel in acceptance

Through water earth fire and air

To find my much needed quintessence

and take my soul in for repair

The vessel that I use to roam

Feels your joys and all your pains

The footprints that I leave behind

Fill to brim with all the same

I've emptied all my bags

Of thoughts I've carried from the past

I fill them back with thoughts

That under scrutiny will last

Music and laughter lift the craft that I fly

Through the questions I ponder

The when's what's and why's

I seek out your elders and learn from your youths

I rest not on my laurels

Nor speed past my own truths

Treating this stop as if its my end

embracing my highs as my lows condescend

My ticket stamped adventure

My reward the great unknown

I will nurture my existence

mending all that it has torn

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Psalms 32:8

"I will guide thee and teach thee In the way which thou shalt go

I will guide thee with mine eye"

Oh Lord

I stand here in your presence

And pledge to carry out your will

When the Devil came you spared me

And broke his evil seal

Lead me to your lowest fields

to spread your seed and reap its fruitful yield

I'll sharp my pen to use as sword

I'll walk the path in your accord

Use me on your battle grounds

Move my lips to spread your words

I stand here in your presence

And pledge to carry out your will

When the Devil came you spared me

And broke his evil seal

-Cowboy Beach Bum

When You're Not Looking

When you're not looking

I wonder why the thoughts I hear go passing by

They are cleared with chills and long deep breaths

I hear each moment within itself

The thoughts I hide down deep inside begin to find their way

I watch them closely as they dance recklessly in my head

Yes

I Love You

I have from the moment my eyes undressed your caring soul

And Yes I continue to love

For the same reasons I continue to breath

To stay alive

I begin to pay close attention to the life I speak of

I am suddenly aware of the distance between each breath

An eternity

I understand because the thought of being without you

for even half this time would be an eternity of pain

And yes I will continue to love you forever

Even if you walk away and leave me all alone

I've hidden every memory in a place that's never shown

And as my heart will surely break and spill my secrets from their cell

The thoughts of you will comfort me

As each memory is unveiled

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Cross Roads

The dankness of the morning illuminates his skin

As he walks up to the crossing to negotiate my sins

I continue to move forward as I'm equally prepared

Counseled from above unencumbered by his stare

My shadow walks up shackled yielding contract sealed in blood

I scrutinize my case as the crossroads start to flood

The mud sloshes at my boots but my snake skins hold their ground

Our eyes speak with great intent as deliberate thoughts abound

He grins in great delight as he waves our blood signed pact

I'm here to claim my bounty I hope your bags are packed

Not today I insisted as I kept our stance aloof

You have nothing to collect In this hand I hold the proof

You sent your reaper when I slipped away beneath the surgeons knife

He was able to secure my soul as I let go of my life

He dragged me to your gates of hell that long and lonely night

When the gates began to open my soul put up a fight

I evoked the name of Jesus and repented all my sins

No matter how he tried your reaper could not pull me in

The saved me pledged allegiance to my savior up above

As I left behind the old me in the reapers tattered glove

El Diablo interrupted you have made a solid case

I do not want the old you its your goodness that I chase

You have bested me on this matter but I will not go away

I release your inner demons and we'll meet another day

Then he turned his back and vanished but I did not feel the win

Lying on the ground before me was the old me and his sins.....

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Bodhani's Prayer

God

Please reveal a little more of the path you would have me follow

Please provide me with courage to follow my path with out question or fear

Please allow your words and will to flow through me like the breath you provide me to exist

Please do not let my thoughts rule my actions or scare away someone who wants to help me

Please give me the wisdom to wake up again tomorrow and ask again for the same

Amen

-Cowboy Beach Bum

Plenty of Cash

I've gotten older in the mirror

My black hairs turned to ash

Got down to my last nickel

but I've always had some Cash

I've hung on many words he wrote

And sometimes lived them out

I stabbed a man in Reno once

But not sure if that one counts

Walked the line through rings of fire

While singing cocaine blues

I've brought my guns to Jackson

But I never shined a shoe

Cross the border I was locked up

They took away my stash

I have had my pockets emptied

But I've always had some Cash

-Cowboy Beach Bum

PTSD

"Session"

Session

These Snake Skin Boots and I

Me Myself And I

"Street Shaman"

Street Shaman

Dream

"Soul Mate"

Soul Mate

A Wise Man Once Said ….

Self

Note to Self

Wanderlust

Psalms 32:8

When You're Not Looking

Cross Roads

Bodhani's Prayer

Plenty of Cash

Deeper Drops